(By Michelle Snippe)
We both had been so busy; it had been hard to find the time to connect. But she caught me as I was going out the door of our church building and I think my friend could tell that something wasn’t quite right. So, when she asked me how I was, I gave her an abbreviated version of one of the reasons I was on the brink of tears. As her own eyes welled up, do you know what her next words to me were?
“Why is life so hard?”
I could hardly respond, but I think I might have mumbled something like “I don’t know.” However, more importantly, without her even knowing it, in that moment she gave me something I so desperately needed.
She didn’t give me any advice.
She didn’t quote scripture.
She didn’t offer me a prescription for how to handle my trial.
She simply stood there, sympathized, and, with her five heartfelt words, inadvertently assured me that I was understood. She gave words to my feelings; she validated my pain. And she couldn’t have given me any simpler, yet greater, gift…
She gave me the gift of her presence.
Dear sisters, you and I are surrounded by people going through tough stuff. And even though there may be a time for advice, godly counsel, and sensible suggestions, more often a person just needs you to be present…to sit with them in their struggle.
But, it isn’t always easy. It forces us to step into their suffering. And, let’s be honest — it’s hard to know what to say to someone who has shared their pain with us. By default, some of us react by giving little pieces of pithy advice to try to smooth out the awkwardness.
Rather than feeling their pain with them, we just want to fix it. Fixing diverts us from having to feel what they’re feeling. But fixing isn’t what most people want…what most hurting people need. More than prescribing a solution for them, they just want us to be present with them.
Paul, in Galatians 6:2, tells us exactly what we are to do when someone shares their afflictions with us:
“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”
We are to bear their burdens. The word “bear” literally means to take up the burden, with our own hands, as if it were our own. I don’t read in the following verses any dogmatic decree to offer our advice. When someone shares their heart with us, making themselves vulnerable, it isn’t necessarily a solicitation for counsel. Trust me when I say this: they are simply looking for a safe place…a safe person to hold their heart and their hurt.
I have to admit, I’ve had to learn this the hard way. And, I still don’t always do it perfectly…but the more often I receive the gift of someone’s presence myself, the more value I see in being that someone who can slow my mind down, silence my tongue, and soften my heart to hear their heartache.
Maybe you’ve experienced one or more well-intentioned “counselors” in your day? Or maybe you’re the one who struggles with sermonizing a person’s situation? Possibly, like me, you’ve been on both sides of the fence.
Perhaps we “advice-givers” could challenge ourselves with what I believe might be at least three good prerequisites to presenting advice…
Ask if they are looking for it.
Be sure we have a pure motive for offering it.
Evaluate if our relationship is intimate enough for giving it.
Sometimes, it just isn’t the right time. Sometimes we just aren’t the right person. And what I can almost always assure you of is this: what our struggling friends are most desperate for is someone authentic who will be present with them in their pain and love them, in those moments, just the way they are.
Be blessed today, dear friends!
Comentários